I Can't Do Any Of This Without You
by pinchofimagination
Summary: Lily never realised how difficult it would be for her to raise a child, especially with James away for long periods of time. She can't cope with being on her own any more; she needs James more than she ever realised.


"It'll be difficult, you know?" That was the first thing every single person said to Lily when she first announced the news that she was pregnant. It worried her a little at first, but eventually she managed to just nod politely and grit her teeth. She didn't need to worry, she had James, and James Potter was a rather marvelous man. However, six months after the birth, Lily had finally began to understand what everyone meant. There was barely an hour in the day that Harry didn't demand her uttermost attention, and Lily found her patience was continuously tested. She was by no means a child herself, but still very young. The James that she had known and loved was slowly starting to change, as he was sent on mission after mission from the order, and she spent an increasing number of days alone. She had requested to not participate in the physical side of the order for at least several months, and no-one denied her this. Which is how she found herself sitting on the floor in the corner of her bedroom, silently crying. Harry himself was bawling alone in his cot, and Lily had no idea of what the small child wanted; he'd been bathed, changed and fed. Her forehead was pressed to her knees, and the only visible signs of her distraught were her shoulders shaking, and the heavy gasps of breath her body was demanding. When James Potter opened the door, he knew something was wrong. Slight layers of dust commanded every surface, and the rooms seemed bare, lifeless. His son's cries drew him from his thoughts, and with panic only a parent knows he fled up the stairs, walked over to the crib, and embraced his young child as his heartbeat slowed. The boy looked healthy, and well cared for, so James knew it was just the house that had been neglected, but this didn't completely quell his fears. He worried now for his wife. Harry eventually quietened, and his father placed him gently in the crib. His next task filled him with dread, and he slowly walked towards his bedroom he shared with Lily.

"Lily?" He whispered, his wand outstretched, unsure of what dangers could face him. He was met with silence, and so pushed the door open, his body following his wand. His eyes took a few moments to let the darkness settle, but even then he would find the room empty. "Damn." He muttered sitting on the bed and resting his head on his hands. Sudden exhaustion had claimed him, and this mingled with the fear running through his bones made him unable to look any further. Something couldn't have happened to Lily, he wouldn't be able to live without her. His hearing slowly became attuned to the sounds around him, and he listened for a sign of his wife. He heard Harry's soft breathing, the creaks of the beams as the wind swept around the house, the shaking gasps of another person. He froze on hearing the last one, and rotated to the corner of the room. The curtains were drawn tightly, allowing no light to enter the room, so James muttered a quiet "lumos" flooding the room with light.

"Lily!" He gasped again, pushing himself off the bed, his wand falling to the floor, and slowly approaching his huddled wife. His hand was outstretched and collided with her knee as he felt her shudders.

"James." Her voice was quiet and hoarse, and James managed to find her arms, pulling her so that she was pressed tightly against him. "I can't." She whispered, so quietly that James was unsure of whether he'd heard her right.

"You can't what, love?" He asked, his body leaning back against the wall, hers still draped over his chest.

"I can't do this any more. I can't be a mother James." James's body froze as if he'd been dowsed in cold water, and he recoiled from her slightly, lifting her chin with his hand.

"I don't understand." He told her. "You're a wonderful mother!" Lily shook her head determinedly.

"I'm not. I can't get him to stop crying James, not like you do. He just cries, and cries, and I don't know how to make him stop." Her tears had stopped, but her sudden bout of hysteria scared James more than her tears. She was desperate, and her insanity played on her features, James noted, as he scoured her face. Her eyes were dull, purple shadows under them that rivaled only Remus' when full moon was nigh, and wrinkles plagued her deathly pale skin. She was thinner too, and her lips pressed into a line, nowhere near the ever permanent grin she usually sported. She refused to look him directly in the eye, instead choosing a spot on the wall just over his shoulder. "Being here, being in this house and being alone, James it's killing me." She whispered, her shoulders slumping forwards. "I can't cope being on my own any more. You being out on these missions, I just keep expecting a knock on the door, for someone to tell me you're not coming home, and then what am I supposed to do, James? I can't do any of this without you." His wife's words tore through him, and Lily had no idea that she was actually conversing some of James's personal fears too.

"Ok." He whispered, after a short moment had passed. "I'm going to leave the action side of the Order." Lily then looked at his eyes, thinking about the consequence of her depression. She was supposed to tell him no, that they were fighting for the greater good, for her child's future. But James had easily recognised the guilt in her eyes. "Just for a few months, no longer than half a year. I'll still help out with the meetings, and with the plans, but I won't fight any more. This is killing me too, you know?" He added, voicing his own beliefs. "Towards the end of the last mission, I was becoming sloppy. It had been weeks since I'd heard from you, from anyone, and my head was plagued with thoughts, of worry. I can't be away from you or Harry anymore, I need you Lily." He sighed, slowly caressing his wife's cheek. "I love you, Lily Potter." Without waiting for her reply, he pressed his lips roughly against hers, encasing her slight frame with his arms. Drawing away and pressing his forehead to hers, he whispered. "Whatever happens, Lily, we're going to be together, you, me and Harry."

"Forever?" Lily asked, both in humour and in desperation.

"Forever." He replied, before a final kiss was placed upon her lips.

* * *

A/N: So I've had this thought in my head for a while, and though they probably were able to come to terms with their parenthood fairly quickly, people often forget James and Lily were so young when they had Harry, so were bound to struggle sometimes.

Reviews are them texting you first.

Emily:)


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